01/05:
I remember why I hate Kragen. They sell me the wrong shit, but mostly because running into Stewart is not someting I enjoy.

01/06:
So check it out, Jay is a tool. I want a blizzard. mmmmm, Blizzard.

01/03:
I really hate my job.
Oh and if I take your f-ing passport picture, Your lucky that I put up with taking it again. Your lucky that I don't make you wait an hour for it. After all of that you return it? Bitch you just wasted my time. My time is more valuable then yours. Go try and pull that shit at the DMV.

01/04:
I love rain. I hate driving in it. Otherwise, I love it. I hate that all the really good rain happens when I'm at work. Rain storms are my all. I love sitting on my (or any) porch and watching it fall. When I got home last night I stood on my porch for a moment. It was one of those rare times when no cars were driving by on watsonville road. I stood and all I could hear was rainfall. It is one of the most soothing sounds ever. I was content for a moment, while at the sametime I wished I had someone there with me, I wish I could capture little moments like those, just so I could share them later.

Other event of the day: Mike and I are talking again. Yay.

...if I can come up with a thought of/about/for each day...
Then I don't think I'm that motivated...
But while I am...here we go.

Thought for:
01/01:
Some kid tried to pick up on me outside of 7-11. He said he was 21 but looked about 19. He asked me If I had a boyfriend and if said boyfriend treated me well. I told him that I did and that he treated me very well. The kid said I had a lucky boyfriend(oh and when I do he will be lucky...oh yes)and that I was very beautiful. It made my night.

01/02:
The little old lady who works at the Cinelux in Morgan Hill has WAY too much time on her hands. I got CARDED for an r-rated movie. I don't even look close to being under 17. Isa got carded too. Absurd. Then she wouldn't let me buy a ticket for my sister. So when Lainie bought a ticket for another movie, the lady ended up accidently giving her the ticket for the r-rated one.

I'm curious to see how long I can keep this going. It feels superficial though. Reading back over this I feel like its fake, like I'm leaving a big piece of the puzzle out.

I've been letting go of all my hurt and angry between Mike and I. That is the purpose of the break we are taking from each other, to let go of all the crap. I still firmly believe that this is for the best. Getting Mike "out of my system", so to speak, is exactly what I need to do.

I want to thank you guys for listening to me babble on about Mike for so long. Thank you for everything. I know it must have gotten on your nerves but I truly appreiciate it.

Anyway as much as I still hold strong to this time apart thing...

I still miss him dearly. Not being able to talk to him has been difficult.
I only hope in the end it makes things better.
I miss my friend.

Instead of rewriting it...i'll just copy and paste from AIM


burritocookie (12:23:43 AM): let's review what I concluded in the last 10 minutes of my drive
burritocookie (12:23:58 AM): Mike=Douche
burritocookie (12:24:03 AM): Cop=Douche
burritocookie (12:24:16 AM): Random Guy=Douche
burritocookie (12:24:28 AM): The would is full of douche

burritocookie (12:31:21 AM): well
burritocookie (12:32:13 AM): When I talked to mike this morning he was supposed to let me know if he had any free time today to grab a cup of coffee or something
burritocookie (12:32:27 AM): I don't hear from him the rest of the day
burritocookie (12:32:36 AM): so I send him a text
burritocookie (12:32:45 AM): What happened to you today?
burritocookie (12:32:53 AM): He's drunk somewhere
burritocookie (12:33:16 AM): My irritation is probably flared up by the douche cop who pulled me over
burritocookie (12:33:26 AM): right in front of my neighborhood
burritocookie (12:33:40 AM): because I didn't use my blinker
burritocookie (12:33:49 AM): while turning onto watsonville
burritocookie (12:34:13 AM): which has a separate right hand turn lane
burritocookie (12:34:19 AM): but
burritocookie (12:34:29 AM): he takes my license and reg
burritocookie (12:34:44 AM): and makes me sit in my car
burritocookie (12:34:52 AM): for at least 5 minutes
burritocookie (12:35:09 AM): and doesn't give me a ticket
burritocookie (12:35:23 AM): but is basically a dick
burritocookie (12:35:31 AM): meanwhile
burritocookie (12:35:36 AM): this fucking guy
burritocookie (12:35:45 AM): is standing on the sidewalk
burritocookie (12:35:56 AM): staring in my passenger window
burritocookie (12:36:03 AM): like it's fucking cool
burritocookie (12:36:07 AM): the whole time
burritocookie (12:36:52 AM): im just slightly overly irritated about the whole thing
burritocookie (12:37:03 AM): but fucking come on

I will never be thin,
I will always be curvy,
And that's okay.
I will never be the girl who is good at doing her hair or makeup,
that's okay too.
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
I am not ready to grow up.
Sometimes I like to get dressed up
but mostly I'm happy in jeans and converse.
I love socks
and scarves
and mittens.
I adore long drives to nowhere,
and somewhere,
and to get milkshakes two hours away.
I believe that life doesn't happen between those drives, and coffee, and cigarettes
But during them.
Sometimes everything is made better by speeding down the freeway blasting music and singing and the top of my lungs.
I love Journey
and Tom Petty
and Classic rock in general.
I also love MSI and Justin.
And the Dresdan Dolls
Music is my soul food,
And I truly believe that there is a song that fits every feeling
and every moment
Sometimes I see the glass as half empty
But sometimes it is half full.
I am a romantic at heart
but I don't believe that you necessarily have to spend money to be romantic
I love to dance
Even if I am bad at it.
I like to drink
And I believe that every so often a lunch time margarita is perfectly acceptable.
Especially if it's with one of the people I care most about.
Amber, Isa, Steph, and Mike are my people.
I love them dearly, and I would gladly do anything for them.
I would kill for them.
I would leave work to drive them to the ER.
And I would make ER Margaritas.
I'm not always good with advice
But I am a great listener
My ear is always open
and my shoulder is always available.
I feel.
That's all I just feel,
because I am not dead inside
I am not numb
And sometimes it hurts
But mostly it just reminds me that I am alive.
I am worthy.
I deserve someone great.
I am awesome
And I will someday be someone's something kind of wonderful
And I deserve someone who knows that
I deserve my something kind of wonderful,
Because I am an amazing person.
This is some of who I am.
I could not tell you all of who I am because
I am interesting,
And complex,
And not an itemized list of things.
Mostly I love my people and I am loved by them.
I could not ask for a better group of people.
My inner circle, My tribe...
You are all my family.
I love you guys.

This is who I am
So take me as I am,
You know you wouldn't want it any other way.

Someday
When I'm awfully low
And the world is cold
I will feel a glow
Just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight


I'm a sap

If this were a movie this all would turn out one of two ways.
Of course, there is always secret option 'c'.

I think at the heart of my fear, my lonely, my doubt
I still have my optimism at the heart of it all.

I should be studying for my finals, but I think I'm feeling inspired. Inspiration should not be wasted...

Being completely honest with myself...It's all falling apart. My walls are slowly crumbling around me.

My semester is over in 2 weeks.

I'm not doing well at all.

I'm burnt out.

On school, on work, on everything.

I only have a small number of things..er, people, keeping me grounded- Amber, Mike, Isa, Steph.
Those daily interactions keep me going, keep me from getting completely stuck in the proverbial mud.

I feel the breakdown coming on. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it's coming.

It's falling apart.

Amanda Palmer playing Radiohead's "Creep" on a Ukulele while in a bar...Amazing



I adore Amanda Palmer.

I can't believe how expensive gas is getting. $3.50 a gallon is insanity. INSANITY.

I am finally getting over the horrible cold, otherwise known as the plague, that is slowly afflicting everyone. I can finally talk relatively normal again.

I am really starting to develop a strong sense of self. Being single has really been good for me. These past 6 months have truly given me the chance to grow. I'm finally starting to become more secure with myself. Sure I get the occasional twinge of loneliness, but I always have my people. It is times like now that I really feel secure in my singleness.

    I'm sitting in class...I've been sitting in class for hours. 5 weeks until finals start. Until then i have a handful of small papers due throughout. I have to register for next semester on the 15th, get my major filed so I can take this one class i need, I have 2 papers and presentation on the 19th, another paper and an exam on the 21st, a few other midterms, my media project and paper...busy busy busy. Now is when I have to remind myself to breathe.
    So tomorrow morning I'll sit down and start trying to work out next semesters schedule, question my college path, shake my fist in the air and all that jazz, or maybe I'll just have coffee with the girls in the morning. Then at about 2 Chewy and I are going to the beach, my beach, the beach along Highway 1 that you can only find when you know what you are looking for. The one where you have to park, cross the railroad tracks, hike down the hill, and pass through the hole in the wall. And there it is. It is truly a place of zen. I need some zen.
   
    Amber,
          I miss you dearly.
                             I Love you,
                                          Brooke

I needed a new place. I didn't feel like I could be candid. So here I am, somewhere new (ish).

I'm restless. I've been in a funk since yesterday that I can't seem to shake. I don't understand it.

    I sat on top of the valley fair parking structure today for a while. I passed the time between phone calls and cigarettes with my thoughts. I wondered why I've felt this complete desire for human contact. Even after spending the day with the girls, I still felt it. That little pang. I wandered through my thoughts, only stopping to linger on each for a moment, trying to find an answer.
    As I leaned against the hood of my car, I took a drag of my cigarette, and wondered what would happen if, while leaning against my car, on top of the parking structure, if the was an earthquake. Where on the structure would be the best place to be? I looked at the build of the structure and made note of where the support beams were located. I felt the structure rumble as a car drove somewhere below. Between the rumbling and thoughts of earthquakes and structure stability I became mildly unnerved. On that note, I opted to leave behind the structure, and continue on with my wandering. For whatever reason, I didn't take my usual drive. Whenever I feel down, I drive up Hwy 9. It soothes me. Tonight I drove city streets and mild back roads in the direction home.
    Maybe it was coincidence, perhaps it was intuition, perhaps it was chance. I probably would have been fine if I had stayed on the parking structure, or even if I had been on 9 when the earthquake hit, but I didn't. I ended up driving down Santa Teresa, completely oblivious to the thing until Amber called me. This is the first one I've missed in a long time. When they hit at night I always wake up a few minutes before. The earthquake comes and I'd lay there in bed, feeling the house shake. When it stops, I drift back into sleep, soundly, through the night.
    So maybe I'm restless, and soon it will pass. Maybe I'm feeling sympathy pains. Or maybe, it was pre earthquake unsettlement. Perhaps it's a combination of everything. I don't really know...